One major part of starting over and migrating is the humility to accept gifts that I know I cannot reciprocate. When you are starting over, every gift is meaningful. Gifts given to us seem always bigger, more expensive. It takes a lot to accept that my Christmas gifts are simple, and not expensive.
Relatives and friends gave us hand-me downs for the kids that we really needed, specially for the winter. My mom and aunt gave me barely used pretty sweaters, jeans, coats. Generous grandparents and godparents gave the kids toys that we could never buy for them. My Chanel cousins showered us with the highest-end lipsticks and make-up gifts.
My friend gave me cash for my birthday. This is the first time anyone gave me cash (aside from my parents) for my birthday. Her husband thought it would offend me. But my friend reminded him of how deep our friendship was. There was a time in Manila that my friend was in financial stress. And there was time when she had poor, without a nice coat, in NYC herself. So she gives me money to buy myself a coat. I held the money in my hands and cried.
Out of joy, because my friend remembered my birthday, out of relief that I will retire my 10-year old coat, out of humility that I needed help to buy my own coat.
My husband needed a place to stay in LA and crashed with my cousins. We are a close-knit family and my cousins are like my brothers and sisters. I reminded him to bring something as a gift and he brought hopia and pastillas. He stayed with my cousins for 2 nights and when he returned home, my cousin sent my kids gifts: posters, new girly knap-sacks (which I knew she had to go out and buy as she had no daughters), and an Obaji skin-care kit for me!
I called my cousin and told her she didn't have to send those gifts as my husband crashed at her place and that was a big enough gift already. And she insisted that the kids enjoy the gifts
My friend, N and I discussed receiving gifts here in America, from cousins and friends that have hurdled the "starting over" phase. They now own their homes, their second homes, their many cars, and are in no way as financially tight as we are. (I suspect, though, that they went through worse times than I did. And I am thinking, where was I when they were struggling?)
Since we cannot give lavishly yet, we have to receive graciously. My friend said he felt worse when people gave him because it reminded him of how poor he was. (I don't!) Then he realized that the giving had nothing to do with him but had everything to do with the giver. Giving teaches the giver empathy. He has been there and he feels your "poorness." To allow the giver to give you in full glory is something we are both learning now.
"Simon helped Jesus carry the cross," said N. Jesus didn't have to let Simon help but he did. And now, all of Simon's descendants live good lives, according to the Bible. And we realized that the giving is also a gift for the giver, as his giving sets out a cycle of receiving more abundance.
Our conclusion? Be humble and gracious enough to receive. Be humble but not humiliated. B gracious and appreciative and don't think of reciprocating the gift. Don't say "Don't give me gifts anymore" as you are depriving them the glory to give. For then, you give the giver a sense of pride and allow good karma to fall upon him.
And when we can, we should always give, and it doesn't have to have a price tag on it. I specially like homemade gifts. My cousin said she sent me the gifts because I visited her son in the hospital after his surgery in San Francisco. And then she said something so wise: "Ate M, don't worry about my gifts, they are just bought with money."
I am so touched that she remembered that day when I got lost in the Muni on the way to the hospital, walked 2 whole uphill avenues, was under dressed for the weather, and thought I would be mugged!
Give, give, give and you shall receive. Receive with grace and think of the giver fondly. Your good wishes will actually do him well.
4 comments:
This is a beautiful post. Gift giving is one way in which I express my love, although my gifts are often humble. I have been reading your blog for awhile and greatly enjoy it!
That was a beautiful post. It made me want to cry, since my parents went through the "starting over" phase when they first came to North America. In the Philippines, my mom came from a very well-to-do family with 3 maids and a driver, and a life I cannot imagine to ever live. When they moved to Canada, they had to start all over. Though they were never in real need, the starting over part was an adjustment in itself. My dad came from Trinidad and Tobago (but he's of Chinese ancestry) and he too had to begin a new life, only his was in New York City.
You are so right in gift giving (and receiving) being ways to express love and gratitude as well. I noticed with my filipino family that they are so giving and so hospitable...even the ones who don't have much. Part of it is culture and strong moral values my grandparents instilled in all their kids. All of my mom's immediate family reside in Canada and the United States, but our distant relatives are still in the Philippines. The one thing I will always remember is the feeling I had visiting San Jose, Batangas...and seeing my family there for the first time. What wonderful, giving, self-less people.
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that was very nice Ate M. i was touched. I really could not say anything but say thank you. As I said....these are just material things that you think you can't repay but maybe I don't need material things...maybe i just need a friend!
I agree--what a great post. Glad to have found your blog through Tessa's.
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