Lifetime benefits of full-time motherhood are different. Though they don't seem like perks, they make up the most poignant memories I will take with me forever. First days in schools, homework, school plays, buying their underwear and socks, knowing the colors they like are things the working mother envy. Being totally there for doodling, water art, imagining and making up stories and giggling, play dough creations and attending awards after awards, with tears in your eyes (instead of a cellphone at hand), helping the binatas out of heartbreak, pointing them to the right direction exactly when they need me, are my perks I would not trade in for any promotion in an office.
Everything else was scheduled around the lives of my kids: a thriving men's wear business (was my claim to fame), career offers, writing a book, putting up a craft store, maybe a bakery, dreams of climbing mountains, traveling to exotic places, and the ever-so-bratty dream of taking 2 full months from family life, to explore internal stuff so tedious to enumerate and so many to detail.
If I were a full-time employee for 20 years, I would be CEO by now.
As a CEO mother, 20 years should entitle me to delegate lots of legwork to my staff, i.e. walking-under-the-sun field trips with my preschooler, bringing and fetching from school, homework, should be delegated to a staff which I don't have, to leave me to think of "bigger things" like planning their future or planning a family vacation.
Do you ever wonder why CEO's of a company came in when they wanted to and played golf with prospective partners? My CEO friend said, "So that we can think."
At least, CEO's and all full-time staff get 2 weeks of paid leave every year. I will guess that they spend all of it with the family they neglected. My irony is, I would like to take a 2-week leave from the family I serve every single day. On the same note, even nannies get their 2-week vacation, so why shouldn't full-time mothers do??
I am seriously considering a 2-week leave, without my husband. (Or maybe he can come along). But I crave to touch base with myself--the one with no roles--not a mother, not a wife, not a writer, or not anything that I think defines me in this life. I think my soul is undefinable and it should be nourished with a vacation of quiet, walking by a lake, reading, sleeping, meditating, crocheting--without interruption or chatting or comparing. I long for simply communing with my spirit--so worn and tired of serving everyone else.
Single-parenting was never part of my dreams. I keep telling my husband that I endure all our differences because I want us to raise the kids together. But here I am now, finding myself desperate for some personal time that disappeared when my husband left for Manila. I go to pick my kids up 20 minutes earlier so I can read in the car, with new music in the background. I park at the Church parking lot while my kids attend catechism class, and found myself taking a nap--inside the car.
I remember Mac, out driver in Manila. And how I once told him off because I caught him sleeping in the car. Now I understand that driving is a very physically tiring thing. . . and grabbing a nap at the driver's seat is quite refreshing and gas-saving.
Here I am parked outside my son's middle school 15 minutes early. I found some time to catch up on my book Something More. I also explored Carrie Underwood's music and found out I kind like country pala. This is my getaway view for the day:
I vowed to take care of myself more. In Manila, I could call for the masahista, I could go to the salon. These things are simply not within the budget here. But a movie in the movie house is, or a nice and quiet breakfast is--all while waiting for the kids to come out from school.
In between, I interview people, draw up articles for the paper. I work even on many week-ends, and I even joined a craft fair. Sometimes, I wonder, maybe I am just trying to get away from my kids, because although I love them all dearly and deeply, my soul seems to wear thin.
I must be careful not to burn out. Fifteen minutes here and there to catch my peace just doesn't fill the void but it will have to do for now. I know I am blessed but I have t stroke my spirit to really feel that right now.
In Manila, I figured, more support groups are in place there in terms of family and friends who
can linger over lunch or coffee. There is also a driver that can shuttle all the kids here and there.
And so if I have to single-parent, I would prefer to do it in Manila--where the lifestyle is easy and getaways are cheap, and a CEO mom like me would have had a wonderful and efficient staff by now, to delegate the small stuff to.
4 comments:
Hi Minotte,
I don't know what to say, other than I agree with everything that you wrote; especially the last 2 paragraphs where doing this in Manila would be so much better -better for your health and well-being. A mother's well-being is so important to their children. It affects them in so many ways. It doesn't matter if you're a stay-home mother or a working mom, as long as you are happy with what you're doing. It sets an example and somehow transmits over to your child/children. Take a deep breath and a step back... ask why? The answer(s) will either strengthen your conviction to keep this up for however long it takes OR make you decide to move back to Manila. Of course there is prayer. I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers. Take care.
thanks for the concern and prayers, lia!
cooks
hi minotte, so many wonderful things to read here! must catch up. you are in my prayers.
Hi Cooks, you're a great mother, & you do it with such devotion, it's understandable you feel the need for a break. Heaven knows I encounter those feelings too! Yes, life is a journey for us, learning and discovering things. There's a saying I heard that, Every change in a person is God's footprint. So I tend to see the events in my life as chances to learn, given by God. Rhea
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